The start of a new school year always means exciting new beginnings and back to work for our household. But for our family dog, Betty Queen Elizabeth, the start of a new school year means a big let down. As the kids ran out to the bus stop last week, Betty’s head hung low, while her sad eyes followed each step they took. Her summer entertainment was going, going…gone. They were once again, whisked away by the ginormous, loud, orange monster we call a school bus.
After the school bus pulled away, Betty Queen Elizabeth turned around and plopped onto the foyer rug. A long drawn out sigh bellowed out of her, as she slowly inched her head closer to the floor, getting ready do some serious nap time and a whole lotta nothin’.
Watching her obvious discontentment with the situation, I bent down, and sat next to her. I stroked the top of her head, and thought about how Betty Queen Elizabeth might sum up all the reasons why she loves summer so much. Here’s how I think it might go if I interviewed her:
Betty, why do you love summer so much?
B.Q.E. (short for Betty Queen Elizabeth): I love summer because there’s constantly something going on. Take a simple thing like the front door, for example. In the summer months, it stays open from sun-up to sun-down, a perfect place to park yourself and watch everything going on outside through the glass storm door. I can spot every dog that prances by the house and they can see me. I love to practice my vicious bark at them. My vocal chords get a good work out while I hone my guard-dog skills.
Unfortunately, Betty doesn’t really have any guard-dog skills, so we still pay for an alarm on our house. Betty doesn’t know that wagging her tail and licking someone are NOT GUARD DOG SKILLS and and they do NOT act as deterrents. Vicious barking and showing of the teeth would be guard dog skills, but oh well. We don’t want to hurt her self-esteem so we let it go.
So, Betty. How do you feel about the house being bombarded by children all day long?
B.Q.E.: I LOVE it. During the summer, kids are always around and they come in every shape and size. Kids are fun to have around for three reasons. One: they ALWAYS feed you. Two: they’re ALWAYS running (huge chase-me-I chase-them factor). And three: Some kids come smaller, at eye-level, which is THE perfect size for face licking (usually with a bonus flavor like cherry, lemonade, or ice-cream on them).
Tell us the truth. How do you feel about being taken for rides in the car constantly in the summer?
B.Q.E.: More rides in the car means more times I can stick my head out and feel the wind flap my ears and rush up my nose. I love it. In the summer, I’m guaranteed At LEAST one ride a day. Shoot. There were times this summer that I felt like I was in the car ALL DAY! Also, more rides means – you guessed it, more kids in the car. And kids pet me a lot and call me the cutest dog ever, so what’s not to LOVE?
How about all the parties that seem to go on at your house? How do you feel about that?
B.Q.E.: Summer parties mean one thing to me: Food. AND that grill thing-a-majig is used whenever there’s a party, which works out perfectly for me. A party of any sort means humans are distracted (by other humans) so I can get to the drippings under the grill before it gets covered. YUM.
Speaking of parties, I heard there was a couple of wild parties at your house this summer, one of them involved dancing in the living room, another one involved BISON meat being served while humans wore white bed sheets or Togas. Is this true? And if so, how did you handle that craziness?
B.Q.E.: I cannot tell a lie. It’s all true. I didn’t mind the dancing. It was fun to watch and bark to the music. And the humans wearing sheets didn’t bother me either. The sheets made the humans look more like a soft comfy bed to me, which is where I like to spend all my free time in the winter. But I had a real issue with the Bison meat.
You did? Why is that, B.Q?
B.Q.E.: Well…that night…when they were carving the Bison meat…in their Togas, I managed to confiscate a huge chunk of it. A delicious chunk with bones buried inside of it and everything. I was in the corner, enjoying it, finding my roots, reliving my heritage when, BAM! Just like that, my mother snatched it away from me. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same. I think she might have ruined all my future relationships with meat.
Sorry to hear that, B.Q.E. Let’s move on. Do you chase a lot of bunnies and squirrels in the summer?
B.Q.E.? Get back here! Oh well. Guess we’re done.
Here’s to another summer ending and a new school year beginning…